


what if we kissed... in eiselcross

by greyeyedartist



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Drunken Confessions, Drunken Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, friends to enemies to lovers???, i am so invested in essek's character arc it hurts, i cried writing this actually, i had to write it, i've had this scene stuck in my head for weeks now, what is their relationship at this point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 14:28:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30023187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greyeyedartist/pseuds/greyeyedartist
Summary: **mild spoilers through C2E129**Essek has been alone with his guilt for too long. Someone returns to the Dynasty outpost and changes that.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 1
Kudos: 74





	what if we kissed... in eiselcross

Essek stares into his mug of cocoa, ignoring the many piles of work surrounding him. _Not enough booze_ , he thinks. Still not enough to drown out the shame he felt conversing with the Nein. Jester is too kind as always, but from the rest he could feel distrust, concealed or not. Beau and Yasha could bench him and throw him into a wall at any moment — he’s always known that, used to find their strength comforting, but now it’s all too possible. Nott — no, _Veth_ , she could point that crossbow at him and kill him before he could blink. Fjord and Caduceus have their mysterious bonds with Melora, and Caleb … 

Oh, Caleb. Essek couldn’t bring himself to look at the man, even when Caleb had grabbed his arm and shared words of comfort. Those days the two had spent together copying and practicing dunamancy, sharing drinks, exchanging looks and smiles and stories … Caleb loves the arcane arts as much as Essek does. Essek sees it in every breath, every precise hand movement and incantation when he casts. Essek once had a similar passion. He revelled in teaching someone as devoted to the craft as himself. But that passion led Essek to extremes, to a continental war, to thousands of lives lost over a _fucking_ beacon— 

The door opens, startling Essek from his reverie. Instinctively, he meets eyes with the person at the door — familiar blue eyes, ones he saw only a few days ago. 

Essek stands. “Caleb.”

Caleb nods. “Essek.” A pause. “You were right, friend. Teleportation is difficult in these parts.”

He tries not to dwell on _friend._ “Oh? Where did you find yourselves?”

Removing his gloves, Caleb replies, “I tried to take us just outside of this base, but dropped us, oh, a mile and a half south. Miserable walk.”

“Yes, I’ve had my fair share of treks over the ice. DeRogna had good sense to…“

The beginnings of good cheer between them vanish at the mention of the deceased Assembly member. Caleb’s face goes blank, and Essek feels his ears tilt down. “Sorry,” he offers, cursing himself.

After a moment, Caleb looks back up. “Well, she did.” Pointing at Essek’s mug, he asks, “Any drink to spare?”

“No more cocoa, I’m afraid. But I have plenty of booze.”

“ _Ja_ , that will do. Anything to warm up.”

Essek passes the bottle to Caleb, who takes a seat on the closest chair. Essek follows suit, and they drink in companionable silence for several minutes. Essek watches his friend’s cheeks flush red. He studies Caleb’s hair, dusted with snow; his hand on the neck of the bottle, dirty with chalk and phosphorus; his coat, worn from travel but still new and fashionable. His hands. His eyes keep returning to Caleb’s hands.

He has to distract himself. “Where are your friends? Jester should be talking my ear off right now.”

A chuckle. “She’s talking Dagen’s ear off, I’m sure. We’ve had a difficult couple of days. Veth’s son…” Caleb swallows, anxious. “He was hurt. The Assembly has been pursuing us. One Assembly member in particular.” Their eyes meet, and Essek knows who, and shared loathing fills the space between them for a moment.. “We’re all still recuperating. The guards showed us where we can rest, and I told the Nein I wanted to be alone.”

“But you’re here. With me.”

“ _Ja_.”

The eye contact becomes too intense. Essek breaks it and takes another sip from his mug. Caleb mirrors the action, but when Essek looks back, his eyes have not shifted. Essek begins to wonder if there’s too much booze in his cocoa after all, or if something entirely else is turning his face red.

“Are you alright, friend?”

“Caleb.”

He’s taken aback by the abrupt reply. “ _Ja?_ ”

Essek isn’t ready, but the momentum is there and his good sense is fuddled by alcohol and the auburn beard and blue eyes and rosy cheeks are too much for him to bear. “Caleb. You and your friends have no reason to trust me, I know. I held you all close under entirely false pretenses for too long. Maybe you hate me. I deserve it!” Tears begin to line his eyes, and he does not bother to hide them. “But I … I love you, Caleb. I’ve loved you for longer than I even know. You care for your craft, for the world, in ways I can’t begin to replicate.”

Essek spares a glance at Caleb, and his face has gone studiously blank. Carefully taking in information, as he is wont to do — yet another detail Essek adores.

“I don’t deserve someone like you. Not right now. And I don’t know that you … that you have the _time_ for me to earn back trust from you. But I want to. You don’t owe me anything, Caleb, but I want to.”

A tear splashes into Essek’s nearly empty mug. He stands to exchange it for a handkerchief and wipes his nose. Still Caleb is silent. _He does hate me_ , Essek thinks. _But it’s true. I deserve it._

Finally: “You mean that?”

Essek inhales deeply. “I do. I’m sorry. That was too much. You’ve been through a lot, I don’t mean to pile on my own—” 

“Essek.”

He turns to find Caleb right next to him, bottle still in hand. Before Essek can think, Caleb places a cold hand on his cheek and kisses him.

It’s everything he’s dreamed of. His lips taste of the whiskey he’s been drinking. His beard scratches Essek’s cheeks. An entirely new, electrifying type of magic pulses between them, until, just as suddenly, Caleb pulls away. Essek has to wait several seconds before he feels sensible enough to form words.

“Caleb…”

He looks up from Essek’s lips. “Hm?”

“...Why?”

He smiles softly. “Essek. I’ve been where you are. Different circumstances, different consequences. Same guilt.” He kisses Essek on the forehead. “You are … not wrong. We have no reason to trust you. But I _believe_ you when you say you want to earn that trust.” He smiles again. “I’ve had countless moments with the Nein to earn their trust, even when I felt I didn’t deserve it, and I … I am better for it. You, Essek Thelyss, you deserve that chance too.”

Tears form in Essek’s eyes anew. He can only kiss Caleb on the lips again and hold him by the waist, pulling the two as close together as possible. They stumble about the office momentarily, Caleb reaching for a surface on which to set the whiskey bottle so he can hold Essek’s face with both hands. 

Eventually, after Essek hits his tailbone on a table corner so hard he swears aloud, Caleb says, “I don’t want to be too forward, but we could … go to your room, if you like.”

Essek continues to rub his injury, but nods. “We could. Your friends will … wonder where you are, won’t they?”

Caleb smiles. “They can wonder.”

Essek smiles back. Once they’re out of the office, Essek links arms with Caleb and directs them to his chambers. The bed is just big enough for two, but there’s hardly enough floor space for the cloak and scarf and boots and coat that immediately come off.

“Caleb, before we…” Not sure how to finish the sentence as he watches Caleb shrug off his suspenders, Essek lets it hang in the air. “Thank you. That … that’s what I was trying to say.”

Caleb grins and pulls Essek by his hips towards the bed, opening his own knees to make room. “I know.”

They kiss again, and the night fades into a bliss Essek has not known for many, many moons.


End file.
